Fic: In Which Rodney's Life Turned Out The Exact Opposite Way He Thought It Would

[sgarb_mod]

Author: csichick_2
Wordcount: 10,028
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Carson Beckett/Rodney McKay, John Sheppard/Rodney McKay, John Sheppard/Carson Beckett/Rodney McKay; brief mentions of the following: Lorne/Parrish, implied Jack/Daniel
Summary: Once upon a time, Rodney thought he always be alone. Reality couldn't be further from that thought.
Warning(s) highlight to read: Canon death of a major character serves as a major plot point.
Notes: A few canon events manipulated as needed, but nothing too major.

Companion piece to Love Revives.

In Which Rodney's Life Turned Out The Exact Opposite Way He Thought It Would

PART 1

Rodney should have known better than to think getting to work for the SGC again was a good thing. Antarctica is possibly even colder than Siberia and he hasn't seen Major Carter once. The nights are long and lonely. At least until he shows up.

Rodney had been attracted to men before – and did some experimenting in college, but he never expected to fall so hard and so fast for one Carson Beckett. The man was a voodoo doctor for goodness sakes! If Rodney was going to fall for someone so far from his usual type, why couldn't he have been a real scientist?

He figured he'd be able to ignore the attraction. After time, he manages to drive most people away just by being himself. But for some reason, Carson sees beyond all of Rodney's defenses and returns the attraction. And refuses to say no when Rodney initially tries to brush him off. Which is how Rodney finds himself preparing for his first real first date in years. As much of a date as one can have in the middle of Antarctica anyways.

*****

Part of Carson wonders if he's mad. Pursuing a relationship with another man has it's difficulties normally. Add in the fact that they more or less live on a military base in the middle of Antarctica, and well, he probably is mad. But he's also not one to turn away from a chance at love. And despite Rodney's external abrasiveness, Carson knows there's more to the other man and wants to be the one to uncover that.

*****

As far as first dates go, it wasn't the best Rodney had ever been on, but really there's only so much you can expect in the middle of nowhere. It was also far from the worst, which is why Rodney was confused when Carson declined his offer to join him in his quarters and instead suggests dinner again the next night. In a nice crowded mess hall full of Marines. He figures Carson is trying to let him down gently since they have to work together. While Rodney can appreciate that from a professional standpoint, he'd much rather Carson get it over with so he can move him into inappropriate fantasy territory with Major Carter.

*****

Carson could tell that Rodney was hurt that he turned down his invitation. He wants everything Rodney was offering and more, but he also doesn't want to mess things up by moving too quickly. He just hopes he didn't do just that by trying to be a gentleman.

*****

Carson would be lying if he said he wasn't surprised to find Rodney in his lab when he arrived the next morning. However beyond that, nothing went the way he expected.

“I get that you're trying to let me down gently, but you should just get it over with so we can both get on with our lives,” Rodney says harshly.

“Rodney? What are you talking about?” Carson asks, confused.

“So that's how you're going to play it?” Rodney snaps.

“Play what?”

“This is usually the part where you tell me we're going to pretend this never happened.”

Realization finally dawns on Carson. “Just because I didn't want to come in last night, doesn't mean I don't want something. I was just trying to be a gentleman.”

Rodney glares at him. “Do I look like a woman to you?”

“Of course not. I just didn't want you think that I all I wanted was sex.”

“You mean that's not all you want?” Rodney asks, his vulnerability showing.

“I want so much more, Rodney.”

Rodney blinks back tears. “No one ever has before.”

“Well they were fools,” Carson says softly. “I'd court you properly if we weren't in the middle of nowhere.”

Rodney snorts. “I don't need to be wooed. I just need to know you want me.”

“I do, Rodney.”

“So if I were to invite you in again after dinner tonight...”

“I'd accept.”

*****

Rodney spent all day going over the conversation with Carson. He still can't believe that the other man wants more than just sex from him. Nor can he imagine why.

If Carson picked up on his nerves at dinner, he was polite enough to not say anything. But now that they're alone in Rodney's quarters, there's no denying the elephant in the room.

“Why?” Rodney asks.

“Why what, Rodney?”

“Why do you want me? I'm not good looking and I know I'm an asshole most of the time.”

“You don't give yourself enough credit Rodney. You might not fit the Hollywood definition of attractive, but you're better looking than you think you are. And you're not an asshole, you come across as a bit, well, prickly as a defense mechanism. You figure if you don't let people in, they can't hurt you if they decide they don't like what they see.”

Rodney blinks. “Do they teach you mind reading skill in voodoo doctor school?”

Carson chuckles softly, resisting the urge to once again tell Rodney that medicine isn't voodoo. “I saw a lot of things during my medical training. I'd like to think I've gotten good at reading people.”

“And if you decide you don't like what you see?” Rodney asks nervously.

“Not an issue. I do like what I see,” Carson says as he closes the distance between them and kisses Rodney.
“
Rodney immediately deepens the kiss, pulling Carson with him as he backs towards the bed, pulling him down on top of him.

“We have all night Rodney.”

“Don't want to go slow,” Rodney protests, slipping his hands under Carson's shirt.

“I don't want it to be over too quickly,” Carson admits.

“Like you said we have all night. And you have too many clothes on.”

“And you don't?” Carson asks, amused, as he pulls off his shirt.

“You're the one on top. Besides, I'm nothing special.”

“Let me decide that, Rodney. And when you say on top...”

“Um, I've always been the one on the bottom. Is that going to be a problem?” Rodney says nervously.

“Of course not Rodney. I just want to make sure we're on the same page.”

“We are. Less talking more sex.”

Carson chuckles before he finishes stripping and looks expectantly at Rodney until he does the same. “You do have condoms and lube, right?”

Rodney gives Carson his best do I look like an idiot look. “Nightstand. Top drawer.”

Carson nods and rifles through the nightstand, grabbing what they need, and setting them on top of the night stand.

“Um, Carson...”

“We don't need them yet,” Carson says, wrapping his hand Rodney's cock and lightly stroking.

“Please Carson,” Rodney moans. “Just fuck me.”

Carson kisses him. “I want to make it good for you Rodney. The way no one else ever did.”

“I... fuck...”

“We'll get there,” Carson says, kissing his way down Rodney's body, before taking his cock into his mouth.

“Jesus,” Rodney cries out bucking up his hips.

Carson expertly sucks Rodney's cock until he's on the verge of climax, and then pulls away.

Rodney whines and fixes Carson with a weak glare.

Carson smirks as the reaches for the lube. He slicks up a finger and gently probes Rodney's entrance, placing a hand on Rodney's hip to keep him from rolling over. “Want to see you,” he says softly.

“But...”

“Stop thinking, Rodney,” Carson says as he brushes he finger across the other man's prostate.

“Oh god,” Rodney cries out.

Carson adds a second finger and then a third, before finally reaching for the condom. He rolls it onto his cock and then slowly presses inside Rodney.

“Fuck Carson, more, please...”

Carson starts to slowly thrust, wanting to make this last as long as possible.

“Not going to break,” Rodney mutters.

“I know, Rodney, “ Carson murmurs, increasing his pace only slightly.

Rodney decides to take matters into his hands, so to speak, wrapping his legs around Carson's hips and pulling him in deeper.

Carson realizes that Rodney won't let him take things slow and starts thrusting hard and fast, wrapping his hand around Rodney's cock, stroking in time with his thrusts.

“Fuck, yes, that's it,” Rodney cries out.

Carson closes his eyes, exercising every last bit of self control to make sure that Rodney comes before he does. When they're done, they lie next to each other, panting.

“That was, wow,” Rodney says simply.

“It would have been better if you'd have let me go slow they way I wanted to.”

“Some other time. It had just been so long...”

“It had been awhile for me too.”

“So, um, will there be another time?” Rodney asks timidly.

“Of course, Rodney. I did say I wanted more than just sex, remember?”

“Just wanted to make sure you didn't change your mind.”

“Nothing could ever make me change my mind Rodney.

*****

Rodney wasn't sure exactly how discreet he and Carson were being – there were no rules against it, but they were also surrounded by American military and they tended to have a stick up their asses about such things. If anyone knew, they weren't saying anything and that was fine by Rodney.

But after the day Carson discovered the ATA gene, their relationship wasn't a secret from anyone.. Once he realized just how monumental the find was, he kissed Rodney in full view of everyone in the room. Elizabeth just sort of smiled at them and one person muttered “it's about damn time,” so Rodney supposes that he can deal with people knowing his business as at least a few people seem to be accepting of their relationship, rather than checking Carson for a mental breakdown. That's also the moment that he realizes that Carson really does care about him and isn't just in it for the sex. The way that makes him feel – well he thinks it might actually be what love feels like. Not that he'd ever admit that to anyone else except for under threat of death.

*****

“Maybe you got it wrong, again.”

Carson sighs. Rodney has been pouting ever since he tested negative for the ATA gene. He was fine checking a second time, but three is overkill as there there is no realistic way the test could have been wrong twice. “Rodney...”

“Just one more time. Please,” Rodney pleads. “I promise that if it's also negative, I'll accept it.”

“Fine,” Carson says, finding it easier to give in on this one. He also knows how rarely Rodney makes promises, so he knows Rodney won't be accusing him of screwing this up again. “But there's nothing wrong with not having the gene.”

“But it limits what I can do,” Rodney says, continuing to sulk. “I can't study how any of the Ancient devices work unless someone turns them on for me.”

“You act like having to work with someone else is the end of the world.”

“Have you seen how much of idiots some of these people are? They might kill us trying to turn something on.”

“I really doubt Doctor Weir would have selected people that weren't qualified.”

Rodney snorts. “There's a difference between qualified and competent. The fact that Elizabeth knows how to play the political game helps, but there are still people here I wouldn't trust to feed my cat.”

Carson rolls his eyes. “Certainly there has to be someone you can trust”

Rodney smirks at Carson. “You know, you do have the gene...”

“Rodney, I am not going to be your personal light switch.”

“But I trust you Carson.”

“I appreciate that Rodney, but that's not the point. I have my own job to do.”

“Carson...” Rodney whines.

Carson leans over and kisses Rodney to shut him up. He doesn't like using sex as a means to and end, but sometimes it's the only way to keep Rodney from talking.

*****

Life changed for them both the day Carson almost killed General O'Neill. At first Rodney was annoyed by the newcomer that could manipulate Ancient tech without even knowing what he was doing, but then he looked at the bright side of things. This Major Sheppard probably hasn't been warned about him yet, so Rodney should be able to make him his personal light switch, a fate Carson has somehow been able to successfully avoid.

Carson didn't miss Rodney's enthusiasm over Major Sheppard's gene. While he's glad there's someone else around that can control the chair – and not nearly kill a General in the process – he can also tell Rodney is attracted to the Major. And why wouldn't he be, Sheppard is both attractive and charismatic. And as he's fascinated by the Ancient tech, Carson has little doubt that he'd willing serve as Rodney's light switch. Carson had been hoping to develop a gene therapy, only in part because of Rodney's disappointment at being ATA negative, to artificially provide the ATA gene to those who's work would be aided by having the gene, but it wasn't considered a priority. However, now that it looks as though they will be traveling to the city of the Ancients, he is pretty sure he can convince Doctor Weir of the importance of the gene therapy. He already knows Rodney will be the first to volunteer when it's complete, so if Carson works fast enough, he can hopefully complete the gene therapy before Rodney decides he's rather be with John. Selfish motives aside, it will probably useful to have as many gene carriers as possible in Atlantis.

*****

“Seriously Carson, what is your problem?” Rodney asks after Carson continues to ignore his advances.

“What's my problem? You could have died, Rodney!” Carson exclaims. “Did you even think about what you were doing?”

“The shield protected me,” Rodney says stubbornly, not getting why Carson is still bent out of shape over this.

“That could have killed you too, you bloody idiot.”

“How was I supposed to know it needed a mental component to shut off?”

“I had plenty of things you could have tested to see if the therapy took. You and Major Sheppard didn't have to go and be all foolish,” Carson snaps.

Rodney's usually not that good with people, but he's able to read Carson pretty well by now. “Seriously? This is about Sheppard? Oh my God, you're jealous!”

“Why wouldn't I be? He's better looking than me, more charming, has a higher tolerance for your quirks... I'm surprised you're not in his bed right now.”

Rodney stares at Carson. “For someone so smart, you can be so stupid. John may be, well I'm not sure if I can call him a friend yet, but we're headed that way. But you, Carson, you're the one I'm in love with.”

“You love me?” Carson queries. He had told Rodney that he loves him several times, but this is the first hint Rodney's given that he feels as deeply.

“I know I've never said it before, but I thought you knew. Clearly I was wrong if you were afraid I was going to leave you for Sheppard.”

“It's just the two spend quite a bit of time together...”

“I'm on his gate team Carson, it would be odd if we didn't spend time together.”

“I know, but...”

Rodney takes page from Carson's book and kisses him to shut him up. “I love you Carson. I'm yours as long as you'll have me.”

“Rodney...”

“If this is where you tell me not to make promises I can't keep or something as equally stupid, stop, I don't want anyone else, especially not Sheppard.”

Carson appears to be about so say something else, so Rodney cuts him off with another kiss, causing Carson to glare at him.

Rodney smirks. “It works when you do it to me.”

“Brat,” Carson mutters.

“Let me show you how much I want you, Carson.”

Carson nods and pulls Rodney on top of him, picking up on the signal that Rodney wants to top. It would be easier if he would just say so, but after the way so many people messed him up before, he still sometimes has trouble admitting what he wants.

Boxers quickly end up on the floor and it seems like no time at all before Rodney's inside Carson, setting a hard, fast pace. It's over far sooner than either would have liked, but it gets Rodney's point across. Carson is the only one he wants.

*****

As John finds himself bored out of his mind in the infirmary, he can't help but notice that Carson seems to be avoiding him as much as possible. And when he can't do that, it's awkward at best. He can't recall doing anything to anger the doctor, so to say he's confused is an understatement. Since he has nothing better to do, he decides to press Carson on the issue.

“What did I do to make you want to be as far away as possible?”

“You didn't do anything,” Carson says. “I'm just being an idiot.”

“You do realize I'm going to make you explain that, right?”

Carson sighs. “I don't know if you know this or not, but Rodney and I are you know, together.”

“I gathered as much,” John responds.

“And well you and Rodney have been spending a lot of time together...”

“Carson, look, there's nothing going on between Rodney and I...”

“I know. I just had some insecurities that Rodney would rather be with you. He already called me idiot for them.”

John laughs. “That sure sounds like Rodney alright. Why the avoidance act though?”

“Because I feel like the idiot Rodney called me. And it will take some time to eradicate my insecurities.”

“Rodney's well on his way to becoming my best friend here. I like it if we could be friends as well.”

*****

It took longer than it should have, but Carson was able to get rid of those insecurities. Carson knew he'd never be as close to John than Rodney, but he stopped letting that bother him. And really, there was no one he'd rather have watching Rodney's back off world. Even if John does get in just as much, if not even more, trouble than Rodney. Though, as John likes to tease him with, it seems the worst things happen when Carson is off world as well.

The incident with the wraith dart is one of those times.

“Carson, pacing all night isn't going to solve anything. Zelenka will figure something out and everything will be back the way it's supposed to be.”

“Well you weren't at that stupid dinner. He agreed to go out with Doctor Brown so that she'd stop pursuing him, figuring being his usual charming self would be enough to make her no longer interested. Instead, Lieutenant Cadman had to take over and make things go well,” Carson complains. “And now that I think about it, it was probably her gallivanting about in his body when he showed up to invite him to join them at dinner. I think she likes me.”

“That would be a bit awkward. But seriously, Rodney didn't think just being honest would work?”

“We're trying to be more discreet now that there's more military about. You all don't exactly have a reputation for being the most tolerant.”

“Tell me about it,” John mutters.

“Colonel?”

“I've seen good men get their careers ruined because of policies created by homophobes. It shouldn't matter.”

Carson wonders if there's more to John's story, considering how utterly oblivious he is that pretty much every woman here would do anything to end up in his bed. He also knows John would probably never admit anything, considering there are people at the SGC looking for any excuse to remove John from power. “Aye, you're right. It shouldn't matter. But it does, which is why we're being careful about who of the new people find out.”

“If anyone gives you trouble, tell either Elizabeth or myself. You're civilians, they should let you be.”

“Thanks John. Right now I just want to get my partner back the way he should be.”

“We all do Carson.”

*****

At first John thought it was Rodney kissing Carson, discretion be damned under the circumstances. But when he sees Rodney's post-kiss reaction, he realizes it had been Cadman. Clearly Carson had been right in thinking she liked him, but it also just created the most awkward situation ever. He can tell Elizabeth is as uncomfortable about this as he is and she's one of the few people that he knows know about Carson and Rodney. He assumes Zelenka also knows, but he's also too focused on what he needs to do to pay much attention to anything else.

John's grateful that both Rodney and Cadman end up being okay, but he escapes from the infirmary as soon as he can, not wanting to be witness to the fallout from that kiss.

*****

Laura takes a deep breath once everyone else has left the infirmary, leaving her alone with Carson and Rodney. “Look I owe you both an apology.”

“You think,” Rodney snaps.

“Let the poor girl talk, Rodney. She's been through a lot too.”

“She hijacked my body!”

“Which was wrong of me to do. I just wanted to try to help and you keep treating me like a stupid little child.”

“Help? What in any of that was help?”

“Well if I'd known all the facts beforehand, I wouldn't have tried to prevent your date from being a disaster.”

“What do you mean all the facts?” Rodney asks, narrowing his eyes.

“The two of you. If would have been nice to know that before I was mid-kiss. I'm sorry I interfered with your relationship.”

“It's alright, Lass,” Carson says quickly, before Rodney can respond with anything sharp tongued. “You had no way to know because we haven't exactly been advertising it.”

“If you're worried about someone giving you trouble, don't. The close minded ones aren't going to last too long out here what with everything else we have to deal with.”

Cadman's smirk is such that Carson thinks a system is in place to drive off the ones that would cause problems before they can do so. He also thinks he's better off not asking.

*****

Rodney tries desperately to come up with reasons to keep from going fishing with Carson. When he had agreed months ago, he figured he could find a way to prevent the two of them from ever having the same day off, but that was before Elizabeth had declared a city-wide rest day. Fortunately, Watson and Hewston activating, whatever the the hell is was they activated, gave him that excuse. He can tell by the look Carson gives him that the other man knows he was grasping at straws, but really who wants to do something as boring as fishing.

*****

There's nothing to do but wait as Carson tries to be a god damn hero. John wants to punch a wall in frustration and he knows that's nothing compared to what Rodney must be going through. Because, Carson and Rodney starting being a lot more discreet after the military presence in Atlantis increased after the first year, only a handful of people still in the city actually know about them as a couple. By the time Carson finishes the surgery, every last person that knows in the room, offering Rodney silent support.

That also means that every last one of them knows, but doesn't want to admit, exactly what happened when Carson's words get cut off by the explosion. After freezing for a minute, John takes off in a dead sprint towards the infirmary. He knows Rodney isn't far behind, but John knows he'll get there first, and for some reason that seems the most important thing right now. He knows he won't be able to keep Rodney from seeing the carnage himself, but John can make sure he's not alone when he does.

He instinctively knows when Rodney catches up with him and catches him as his legs give out, holding Rodney as he breaks down. John doesn't know how long they stay like that, he just knows neither of them move until Elizabeth threatens to have Ronon physically remove them.

*****

“It's not your fault,” John says softly before the memorial starts.

Rodney glares at him. “Have you been talking to Ronon?”

“Even if you had gone fishing with Carson, I would have called you back to the city figure out what was going on. And Carson still would have operated on Watson. Don't blame yourself Rodney.”

Whatever Rodney intends to say is cut off by Elizabeth starting to speak, but he gives John a look that says the discussion is clearly not over.

*****

“I feel like there has to be something I should have been able to do. Something to prevent this,” Rodney says hollowly.

John tentatively wraps his arms around Rodney, grateful that Rodney still maintained the lease on his apartment, keeping them away from the prying eyes of Landry and whoever else in the SGC has it out for John. “You're not the only one,” he murmurs.

Rodney turns and gives John a look. “There was nothing you could do. He wasn't a soldier, so you couldn't order him to do anything. Hell, Carson was downright smug about that fact.”

“Exactly,” John says. “Now what could you have done short of cuffing Carson to the bed in your quarters?”

“If I hadn't brushed him off about the fishing...”

“I already said I would have called you back to the city to deal with the first explosion. Try again.”

“I should have been the one cataloguing that lab.”

“Then you would have been the one with exploding tumor.”

Rodney sighs. “I... I guess there really is nothing I could have done.”

“I know it sucks, but life does just suck sometimes.”

Rodney snorts. “That's the understatement of the year, John.”

“Knowing the right thing to say isn't exactly my strong suit.”

“I think you might be worse at it than I am, but the fact that you're trying means a lot.”

“You're my best friend Rodney. Whatever you need, I'm here.”

“Come with me to Scotland. I have to be the one to tell his mother, but...”

“It's easier if you don't have to do it alone.”

Rodney nods. “Just don't mention you're military. Might make things worse.”

“Whatever you think's best,” John says soothingly. “You should at least try to get some rest. Gate lag plus jet lag is bad enough before adding sleep deprivation on top of it.”

“Won't be able to sleep,” Rodney mutters stubbornly.

“You don't have to, but at least lay down and close your eyes.”

“Stay with me?” Rodney asks, seeming so much like a lost, scared child.

“Of course,” John replies.

Rodney does eventually fall asleep, but it's not without nightmares. John holds him and coaxes him back into sleep each time. He gets even less sleep than Rodney, but he knows it's pure luck he even got any at all.

*****

Rodney wasn't sure what to expect when telling Carson's mother about the accident. Or at least the sanitized version that doesn't violate several non-disclosure agreements and well as United States National Security laws. What he didn't expect was her hugging him and saying to please tell her that it was quick and that Carson didn't suffer. She told him that when he showed up without Carson, she just knew. Fortunately Rodney was able to tell her Carson's death was quick and painless – even if it hadn't been, in this case he actually would have lied.

Despite her grief, Mrs. Beckett was a gracious hostess to him and John, making their stay as pleasant as was possible considering why they were there. She didn't even blink when she caught Rodney sneaking from his room to John's after a particularly nasty nightmare, simply told him that everyone grieves in their own way and he was lucky to have a friend like John.

At first he wasn't sure if we was going to be welcome at Carson's funeral as is was going to be small and just for family. When Mrs. Beckett told him that he become family the day Carson told her she was in with him, Rodney nearly broke down into tears. His own family was dysfunctional at best, so to be accepted so readily into someone else's – it meant more to Rodney than he would ever be able to admit.

Rodney's not sure exactly when – or how – it happened but by the end of of their stay it was as if both he and John had always been of the family. In a moment that made even John weepy, Mrs. Beckett told them she may have lost one son, but she gained two more. She made them both promise to keep in touch and told them to keep their eyes open for care packages.

*****

“How did she end up adopting you, too?” Rodney asks on their flight back to the United States.

John shrugs. “Long story.”

“I've been waking you every night with my nightmares. They least I can do is listen.”

“Just drop it, okay,” John says testily.

“Sure, fine,” Rodney says, looking at John curiously before pulling the latest issue of Science from his bag. He knows John isn't big on talking about things like this, but he usually just stammers awkwardly.

After several moments of silence, John finally speaks up. “The last funeral I was at was my mother's”

Rodney closes his magazine to signal he's listening, but stays silent, fearing if he says anything, John will clam up again.

“She got diagnosed with breast cancer when I was ten. She was dead less than a year later – I didn't even get to say goodbye because my dad insisted on shipping my brother and I off to boarding school.”

“Shit John,” Rodney says quietly. “My parents are both dead, but I was already an adult when they died.”

“I started rebelling against my dad after that – he wanted me to be a perfect carbon copy of him and be some stuffy businessman. My mom was the only one that really got me.”

“Your father thought you of all people, would become a businessman?” Rodney asks incredulously.

“Like I said, my mom was the only one that got me.” John pauses before continuing. “You're not going to say anything about the fact that my family is loaded?”

“I didn't realize that was supposed to matter.”

“Most people look at me differently when they learn that. Wonder what kind of fuck-up I am that I turned my back on all that to join the Air Force.”

“Well I know from first hand experience that you are in know way a fuck up. The fact that you chose this life rather than the easy way out, just shows what a good man you are.”

John grins cheekily. “Awww Rodney, I knew you loved me.”

Rodney rolls his eyes. “Don't let it go to your head.”

*****

Rodney had gotten used to John helping him get back to sleep after his nightmares, which he assumes won't continue once they get back to the city. Not when they're surrounded by military personal that would get the wrong idea. He tosses and turns the entire first night back and knows he looks like hell when he gets to his lab. The fact the only Zelenka is willing to talk to him suggests that he looks worse than he feels. That or people are concerned about his mental stability, which probably isn't what it should be.

“Dammit Rodney, you look like hell,” John says when he wanders by about halfway through the morning. “Why didn't you come to me when they nightmares started?”

“Maybe because we're surrounded by military goons, who are going to assume the wrong thing.”

“They won't. Lorne says there's pretty much no one left in the city that doesn't know you and Carson were together.”

“Well isn't that lovely,” Rodney says sarcastically.

“It means people will see it for what it is. Me making sure you sleep and don't completely lose it.”

“I just don't want everyone looking at me with pity,” Rodney says weakly.

“Bite their heads off and they'll stop in no time.”


PART 2

The first time Rodney makes it through the night without a nightmare, he wakes up feeling empty. That's when he realizes that he's gotten used to sleeping next to John. He tries to not think about it too closely, but when the feeling doesn't go away after a few weeks, he realizes that at some point during the past year, he's fallen in love with John without even realizing it.

At first he feels guilty, as though he's betraying Carson. This leads to him doing his best to avoid John for a week. He had hoped John wouldn't notice, but of course this ends up being one of the few things John isn't completely dense about, which leads to a middle of the night show down in Rodney's lab.

“Are you going to stop being a child and tell me what I did, or do I have to guess,” John asks, glaring at Rodney from across his desk.

“You didn't do anything. Now go away, I'm trying to work,” Rodney snaps, not looking up from his laptop.

John reaches across the desk and closes the laptop. “Then why the fuck are you avoiding me?”

“I was working on that!” Rodney yelps, intentionally ignoring the question.

“Oh boo hoo,” John says coldly. He narrows his eyes as he really looks at Rodney. “I thought you said the nightmares stopped.”

“They have.”

“Then why do you look as though you haven't slept in weeks?”

“I'm sleeping,” Rodney protests, weakly.

“Bullshit,” John all but shouts. “Either you're lying about the nightmares or there's another reason you're not sleeping.”

“I'm not having nightmares anymore,” Rodney says simply, not wanting to admit the inner turmoil he's been going through.

“Then why aren't you sleeping?”

“None of your business,” Rodney snaps.

“It certainly is my damn business. You're on my time, and if you're not sleeping, that makes you a liability on missions. Either talk to me, or I'll keep you from going off world.”

“You can't do that,” Rodney shouts. “I'm not one of your soldiers.”

“I can't directly, but I'm sure after a brief conference with both Sam and Jennifer, they'll agree with me.” John slams his fist down on the desk. “Dammit, this was easier when we still had Carson. I wouldn't have to tell him you were running yourself into the ground, he'd just know.”

At the mention of Carson's name, Rodney snaps. “Get the fuck out!”

Most people would chose that moment to leave. However, John figures he can take whatever Rodney can dish out and stays put. “No.”

“I said, get the fuck out.”

“And I said no.”

“Leave before I physically remove you,” Rodney says, finally emerging from behind his desk.

John raises an eyebrow. “I'd like to see you try.”

Rodney shoves John. “What gives you the right to mention him in front of me?”

John is startled that Rodney actually laid hands on him, but it does get to the root of the issue. “He was my friend too Rodney. It hasn't been easy for me either.”

Rodney keeps shoving and yelling at John, making less and less sense until he essentially has John backed into a corner. Only then does he collapse against John and start sobbing.

John awkwardly pats Rodney's back, trying to comfort him. Despite a year of comforting Rodney through his nightmares, the whole emotions thing is still difficult for him. Not even that prepared him for what Rodney said next.

"Stupid idiot. Wasn't supposed to fall in love with you. Wasn't supposed to betray Carson like that.

Everything really clicks then for John, though he's nit sure which of them Rodney is calling stupid. "Carson would want you to move on eventually. He'd want you to be happy again."

"Logically I get that, but I still feel guilty. I didn't even figure it out until I realized I missed having you in bed with me."

"I miss it too," John says softly.

Rodney sniffles. "you do? But you have an ex-wife."

"And you've had inappropriate sexual fantasies about Sam. Your point?"

"Touché. So when did you, you know..."

"When you stopped waking me up every night."

"I feel so much better than you didn't figure this out months ago."

"Gee thanks, Rodney," John says wryly.

"Emotions aren't your strong point. You're supposed to be the last one to figure this stuff out.

John gives him a dirty look, but then let's it drop, because Rodney is right. "Can I kiss you?"

Rodney nods. John had intended to keep the kiss chaste, but then Rodney's tongue works it's way into his mouth, and they end up kissing until they're both breathless.

"We should take this somewhere more private," Rodney pants.

“Who's quarters are closer?” John asks.

“Mine, which is good, since your bed sucks,” Rodney replies, all but dragging John to the nearest transporter.

They somehow manage to keep their hands off each until they make it back to Rodney's quarters, at which point they strip at record speeds and end up on the bed. “Shit Rodney, need you inside me,” John pants.

Rodney freezes, caught off guard. He had assumed John would top, and isn't quite sure how to respond.

“It's been so long that if I top it'll be be over in less than a minute,” John says, embarrassed.

“It's been awhile for me too.”

“I haven't since before Antarctica.”

“That's kind of sad.”

“Just shut up and fuck me Rodney.”

Rodney reaches into the nightstand for the lube and a condom. “I haven't touched either in a year, so I hope they're still good.”

“We don't have to worry about getting me pregnant, so it will be fine.”

“True,” Rodney says with a nervous laugh. “You want to like this or...”

“Want to see you Rodney.”

Rodney nods and slicks up a finger starting to press John. He takes his time, working his way up to three fingers, not wanting to hurt John.

“Hurry up, Rodney,” John whines.

Rodney rolls on the condom and slicks up his cock, before slowly pressing into John. “Don't want to hurt you.”

“You won't,” John moans. “Move damn it.”

Rodney begins to slowly thrust, making sure he hits John's prostate on every stroke.

“Jesus,” John cries out. “Don't ever stop Rodney.”

Rodney kisses John deeply as he keeps up the slow and steady pace.

After what feels like forever, John wraps his legs around Rodney, pulling him in deeper. “More.”

Rodney starts to thrusts faster. John comes the second Rodney wraps his hand around his cock, which brings on his own climax.

“Told you it would have been over embarrassingly quickly if I had topped,” John said later when they were curled up together.

“Why do you think I kept things slow as long as I did,” Rodney retorts.

“And here I though you just wanted to torture me,” John says, trying and failing to be cheeky and he stifles a yawn.

“Go to sleep, dork,” Rodney says affectionally.

“You dork,” John murmurs as he drifts off to sleep.

When Rodney wakes up the next morning, he realizes it was the first restful night of sleep he's gotten since before Carson's death.

*****

John knocks on the door to Lorne's office. "Have a minute?"

"Since you're not adding to the pile off paperwork, sure," Evan says, setting down his pen. "You can take some of it with you when you leave if you want."

"Only to have you steal it back when I don't do it," John says with a chuckle.

"Fair enough," he responds. "So what's up?"

"I just wanted to let you know that Rodney and I are together.

"If you don't mind my asking, how long?"

John groans. "Is there anything Chuck won't start a betting pool on?"

"Not really, no. Anyways, I have a lot riding on the fact that you only just figured out you've been dating for months."

"Why do I put up with you again?"

"Because I do your paperwork. And because you wouldn't be able to tell any other XO what you just told me."

"Well you should be more careful about where you have your midday quickies," John retorts.

"How about we not talk about each other's sex lives, John?"

“I think that's a good idea. Wait, how long have people thought Rodney and I are together? It's barely been a year since...”

“People started to speculate about a week after Colonel Carter got here. Since McKay wasn't actively trying to get into her pants.” Evan continues after a brief pause. “People think it's a good thing, John. He needs something – someone – to keep him from working himself to death.”

“Thanks Evan.”

“Anytime. And unless you're going to actually do some of this paperwork, I should get back to it. I have plans tonight that don't involve being in my office.”

“Don't do anything I wouldn't do,” John says before leaving.

*****

“How did it go with Lorne?” Rodney asks anxiously.

“He won the betting pool by saying it would be months before we even realized we were dating,” John responds.

“I'm going to kill Chuck,” Rodney mutters darkly. “Wait, when did this better pool start?”

“When you failed to try to get into Sam's pants.”

“Seriously? Not pursuing one inappropriate relationship means I'm in an even more inappropriate one?”

“I'd be offended if I didn't know you were talking about the potential ramifications on my career.”

“Though if the betting pool hasn't gotten you thrown out yet, we're probably worrying more than we need to.”

“Chuck may be too nosy for his own good, but he also knows how to be discreet. Anyone that would have a problem doesn't know. And really after we tell Ronon and Teyla – though they probably already know too – I'm fine with no one else finding out for a long time.”

“So not Sam?”

“She wouldn't tank my career over it, but she is in a position to say it would be a conflict to have you on my team.”

Rodney snorts. “Jackson and O'Neill did it for years.”

“And Daniel was dead for a year. I can see where Sam could try to prevent that happening with us by splitting up the team.”

“I go off world with you or not at all,” Rodney insists.

“Which is why we don't tell Sam.”

*****

Telling Ronon and Teyla ends up being much like the game of fill in the blanks John played with her when the wraith had Ronon. John will be forever grateful she can read them so well and he doubts Rodney disagrees.

It's only a few days later when Michael takes Teyla. Neither of them have ever felt so helpless, and there's only so much they can do. They finally have a lead and John isn't sure whether he or Rodney is more stunned by who they actually found.

*****

Rodney had taken it upon himself to be the one to explain to this other Carson – his clone - everything that has happened since well, since the original Carson died. He had hoped it would help him deal with his inner turmoil, but no such luck. He want to ask John for help so badly, but he's part of the problem, so he can't.

The only thing Rodney has decided is that the timing of this couldn't be worse. He'd finally started to move on, had started something with John, and then they find another Carson. And when they have to put him in stasis, well it's like losing him all over again.

*****

“How are you holding up?” John asks quietly. “I know this has all be weird and stuff?”

Rodney rolls over and faces John. “Weird and stuff? I've been going through an internal struggle over this whole thing and you come up with weird and stuff?”

“Well it's not like I've dealt with something like this before.”

“You didn't see the look on his face. How betrayed he felt when I told him I was with you. Because for him, he hasn't been dead for a year. As far as he's concerned, I cheated on him.”

John pulls Rodney close. “You had no way of knowing Michael had cloned him. And I'm pretty sure Michael's original plans didn't involve us finding him. He just left him for bait now, to distract us from looking for Teyla..”

“I was considering leaving you to go back to him,” Rodney says, morbidly curious as to what John's reaction will be.

John holds Rodney tighter. “Now that I have you, I don't want to give you up. That being said, if you had left me, I would have understood why, even if it killed me inside.”

Rodney kisses John softly. “Am I a horrible person for being glad that Carson being put in stasis means I don't have to chose?”

“No more horrible than me. I was afraid I was going to lose you to him and like I said now that I have you, I don't want to give you up.”

“I'm not going anywhere John.”

“But...”

“No buts. I don't want to worry about something that may never happen.”

*****

It's not until Rodney is trapped under Michael's facility with Lorne and they find out that only two others survived, that Rodney knows that even if Carson ever awakens from stasis, he can't give John up. Just the thought that John might not have made it, nearly gives Rodney a panic attack. When John is beamed out, badly injured, but still alive, the fact that they're on the Daedalus is the only that that keeps Rodney from running straight to the infirmary and kissing him in front of everyone. Caldwell is the type that would get John thrown out of the Air Force for it.

Once everyone is back in the city safe and sound, John still needs surgery, so they can't do anything, but once John is released from the infirmary, they can at least cuddle. They'd both deny it until they day they die, but they both kind of enjoy it.

*****

John feels uneasy when Carson is awakened from stasis. For that Rodney says that he'd choose John, he can't help but wonder if he'll change his mind now that Carson is awake. Carson gets sent back to Earth pretty damn quickly, so there isn't time for anything drastic to happen.

When Carson returns, only to decide to leave again after a week, John has a gut feeling his relationship with Rodney is somehow part of the problem. Despite the fact that he'd rather get his teeth pulled with no novocaine, he grills Carson about it on the walk to meet up with Teldy's team.

“Who am I to get in way of what you and Rodney have? Especially since I'm not him. Honestly, I'm surprised Rodney even wants me around.”

“It's been weird for all of us, but even without all the other stuff...” John makes a vague hand-wavy gesture, “You're Rodney's friend. My friend too.”

“Well it's not like you need a Chief of Medicine. Though I have to admit Doctor Keller isn't who I would have picked.”

“At first she begged Elizabeth to replace her, but then stuff happened. I doubt she'd complain about having you around either.”

“Look Colonel...”

“I thought we were past that. Call me John, Carson.”

“Fine, John. I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I just can't.”

“Because you still love him.”

“Aye.”

“Just because after he lost the other you, he moved on doesn't mean he doesn't still love you. He avoided me for a week after he realized he loved me, because he felt like he was betraying you. Before we had to put you in the stasis pod, thought about leaving me for you. No matter how much he says he chooses me, he still loves you just as much, if not even more.”

Carson stares at John. “I think that's the most I've ever heard you say about emotions.”

John groans. “Not you too.”

Carson smirks. “Well you do have a reputation.”

“Yeah, yeah, that's been made clear.”

“If only Rodney were the one with a clone, that way we could both have him.”

John stops dead in his tracks.

“John?”

“Just because there's only one of him, doesn't mean we can't both have him.”

“So what, we just trade nights? I don't think Rodney will agree to that.”

“No, all three of us.”

“Do you really think that can work? Not to mention, won't it be harder to hide? You do have your career to worry about.”

“Stop thinking so hard Carson. We both love Rodney more than anything. We can make it work.”

“It'll have to be up to him. If he wants that, I'll stay. Otherwise...”

“I'll talk to him when we get back.”

*****

"Did you hit your head on the mission or something?" Rodney asks incredulously. "Why do you think Carson would even go for such a thing?"

Joh sighs. "I was just off world with him. And it took at least an hour before we actually met up with Teldy and her team."

"So you what, brought this up out of the blue?"

"He's leaving again because he can't stand to see us together. Did you ever stop to think what this was doing to him?"

"No," Rodney says quietly. "I was concerned about what it was doing to you."

"And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of losing you to him. The same way he was once afraid of losing you to me."

"We've been idiots, haven't we? We were so wrapped up in us, we never once thought about him."

"When he was in stasis and back on Earth, we could get away with it. But now that he's back..."

"Will it even work? We're all stubborn assholes - it could easily blow up in our faces."

"We won't know until we try. Besides it's no secret you still love him."

"What about your career? It's getting harder to hide just the two of us..."

"Lorne's still in the Air Force isn't he?"

"Maybe if you hadn't have made him brain dead with all your paperwork, he'd still remember what the word subtle meant."

John glares at Rodney. "People can speculate all they want, but no one's going to say anything to the wrong people. The close minded ones tend to run back to Earth as fast as they can. Clearly there's some sort of litmus test I don't know about, and I'm guessing it's best I stay I'm the dark about it."

"That lunatic Cadman probably has something to do with it," Rodney mutters.

"If she does, I really don't want to know, but that's beside the point. Carson and I are willing to give this a shot if you are."

"I think I am."

*****

The first time the three of them are together it's a complete disaster. They're all virgins to the ménage a trois, and John ends up with a bloody nose from an errant elbow.

Things have gone much smoother since, but Rodney is getting a little frustrated that he's always the one in the middle. As he walks back to his quarters, he contemplates locking John and Carson in a closet until they either jump each other and kill each other. As he waves the door open - and quickly closes it behind him - he sees it won't be necessary as John is on his knees, giving Carson what appears to be one helluva blow job. John also happens to come apart quite beautifully while in the middle.

*****

Hiding their relationship had proven easier than they thought – sort of. Everyone just assumes Rodney and Carson got back together and don't even consider John at all. It's frustrating for John, but he knows that as long as Don't Ask, Don't Tell is still on the books, it's really the for the best. It does, however, make John hope there's truth to the rumors that a DADT repeal will be happening sooner rather than later.

John's so deep in thought, he doesn't realize that Lorne in sitting across from him in the Mess until the other man starts waving a hand in his face.

“Not a word Evan or I'll tell Cadman where you and Parrish sneak off to for those midday quickies,” John says, effectively killing Lorne's smirk.

“You wouldn't.”

“Oh I would, young padawan.”

“You watch too much Star Wars.”

John snorts. “No such thing. Did you actually need something or did you just want to give me a hard time?”

“You wound me, John. I was just wondering if you've actually read your e-mail yet.”

“When have I ever even looked at it within twenty-four hours of the data burst?”

“I just thought with the rumors you might be paying a little more attention.”

“Has it been repealed?” John asks.

“Not yet, but it might be by this time next week.”

“Wow, that would be incredible.”

“Figured you would want to know considering the way the gossip has been going since Carson's been back for good.”

“Thanks, Evan. Oh and make sure Chuck knows if there's a betting pool about this, I'll let Rodney kill him.”

*****

It took two weeks as opposed to one, but Don't Ask, Don't Tell was officially repealed. He swings by Lorne's office in case he actually read his e-mail first for once. He eyeful he's greeted with makes it very obvious that Evan already knows and as John quickly heads towards the Mess, he's pretty sure he wasn't even noticed.

John's glad that both Carson and Rodney are both in the Mess – no matter how hard John's tried, Carson is the only one that's ever been able to successful get to Rodney to sit down for meals and normal times like a normal person. If John had to guess, he's day the threat of uncomfortable tests during mission checkups is involved, something that makes John cringe because Carson's threatened him with the same a time or two.

When John reaches their table, Rodney is very clearly in the middle of ranting about something if the way he is wildly gesturing is any indication. John doesn't really care and effectively ruins both Rodney's rant and train of thought by kissing him deeply in front of everyone.

“Are you insane?” Rodney hisses.

John ignores both Rodney and the murmurs around them as he turns and kisses Carson with equal intensity, causing the entire room to go silent.

“John, I think I have to agree with Rodney, considering we're in a room full of people.”

John simply grins. “It was repealed.”

“Really?” Rodney asks.

“Really. If you don't believe me, swing by Lorne's office.”

Rodney makes a face. “I've seen enough of those two to last a lifetime thank you. And if Lorne decides he's tired of putting up with you and stops doing your paperwork, I'll will laugh at you.”

“Very mature, Rodney.”

“I hate to spoil your banter,” Carson butts in, “But everyone is staring at us.”

“Let them stare,” John says. “I finally get to be open about who I'm with and I don't care who knows it.”

*****

Adjusting to the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell had a few difficulties, but they were nothing compared to the Stargate Program being declassified and going public. John's pretty sure he's been to frat parties more organized than this circus masquerading as a press conference. He's just glad that he's most there for show, and that Generals O'Neill and Landry are doing most of the talking. John would have tried to escape, but O'Neill wouldn't let him, saying he should relish the opportunity to get everyone that ever doubted him to piss their pants in shock. That of course let to John once again wondering how the man ended up in such a powerful position, but he doesn't think about it too hard. After all, John wasn't supposed to ever make it make Captain.

Even if John had escaped, there wouldn't have been much for him to do. Rodney's been submitting papers non-stop in his quest to both turn the physics world upside down on it's ass and get that Nobel he's wanted since forever. John's not sure if she's aware of it or not, but Jeannie's name is on at least one of those papers.

And Carson, well he's been fretting constantly about the trip to Scotland they're taking once the worst of the media circus is over. Carson hasn't been able to see his family since they thought he was dead, but now that the program is public, they'll be able to explain everything and Carson can see them for the first time in years. John gets why Carson is nervous – he remembers how he was going to his father's wake and there wasn't even the “presumed dead” factor – but he also thinks the Scotsman is overreacting.

He just has to survive this press conference before worrying about all that.

*****

Rodney gives John a smile as they watch the teary reunion between Carson and his mother. She didn't care much about the details, or that this Carson is actually a clone, she's just glad to have her son back. As the two of them get pulled into the embrace as well, Rodney finds it hard to believe there was once a time he thought there wasn't anyone out there that would ever love him. Not only are he and Jeannie close again, he gained another family in the form of the Becketts and two of the greatest men he knows are madly in love with him. There were ups and downs along the way, but they were all worth it.